Recovery from Addiction
Why is it so difficult, and how does Recovery Coaching have such an impact?
Addiction is a unique journey in that it is both solitarily walked, and experienced simultaneously by our loved ones through all the resulting collateral damage. Often, we find other like-minded people who will party with us along the way for a time, but at the end of the day…the pleasure that it brings us, and the pain, is ours to experience alone.
Substance is arguably the most difficult form of addiction to overcome because it has physical as well as psychological hooks. It is is a path that has been deeply stigmatized, and filled with self-recrimination and blame. No one wants to be an addict, at least not consciously. Often, behaviors that end up turning into addictions are an accepted social activity within a peer group, encouraged on the surface, until you step off the edge and find yourself suddenly in free-fall….and it’s got you. Then, you’re on your own. Somehow, you should have known better…you should have taken control before getting to that point, and often…even after, WHY can’t you just stop?
And yet, it’s so hard to stop once its got its hooks into you, and there are limited resources out there that are effective for the long haul. For physical addiction, there’s “rehab” which, by today’s mainstream definition is a program that replaces whatever substance the body is physically addicted to with another chemical, a pharmaceutical that radically suppresses the body’s natural distress reactions to the sudden, abrupt loss of the addictive substance. These physical reactions can be life threatening in addition to being horribly uncomfortable, so this type of program is the go-to for a great many desperate people. There are short term (weekends) and longer term programs which incorporate behavior modifications and therapies, and supports. Once you’re out of that controlled environment, though….things very often go back to where they were before, especially if you don’t find outside supports that help you to maintain new behaviors. The psychological addiction that remains long after the physical addiction has been eliminated must be addressed effectively….and this is where everything generally falls apart. Substance use is a coping mechanism; and unless other methods of coping with the stresses that cause people to reach for that particular substance in the first place are found, relapse is only a matter of when.
When the cycle of rehab-relapse-rehab gets repeated a few times, often sufferers find that their circle of supportive friends and family dwindles one by one, as loved-ones burn out and reach the limits of their tolerance for the behaviors. Sometimes, the only supports that sufferers end up with are fellow sufferers, and this probably is why many people continue to show up week after week to the groups that offer twelve-step programs…..even while they are continuing to secretly (or not so secretly) use the substance they are trying to disconnect themselves from.
Often, people reach that Dark Night of the Soul place where they have been completely abandoned by everyone, sick, weak, and out of resources before they realize that they must either pick themselves up and figure out a new path forward, or give up altogether. The quality of support available to the sufferer is generally the difference-maker in whether that person goes on….or gives up completely.
Having an accountability partner who is a dedicated to coaching the sufferer through his or her recovery can go a very long way.
When my husband started the difficult journey to Sobriety, I didn’t realize that there was even a term for the role that I was taking in helping him along the way. All I knew was that he desperately wanted to finally kick that dependency on alcohol that had been hanging over him like a black cloud for most of his adult life. He had been through the rehab revolving door multiple times over the last fifteen years; drying out over the weekend, then going home only to start right up again. It cost him his first marriage five years ago, when his then-wife finally reached the limit of her patience, and set in motion the total destruction of his life at the time…..he lost his career, his home, his health, his dog, and every reason at the time for living. Since then, he spiraled into a black hole of alcohol-fueled despair, eventually also costing him his relationship with his one and only brother, and all of his friends from his old life.
He was finally ready to stop letting it steal every part of his humanity, and he just wanted to be free of the addiction. He was completely all done with the “rehab” cycle, and wanted nothing to do with AA ever again, as he had also tried that route and hadn’t been able to get on board. He was also all done with doctors, and therapists, and the entire mainstream medical scene. We were on our own.
And so, we came up with what I dubbed “the alcohol reduction plan”; a schedule that reduced the number of beers each day gradually over the course of multiple weeks, allowing the physical addiction to slowly resolve itself as his body became accustomed to a decreasing amount of alcohol in his system over time. I called it “weaning”….and have since then learned that it is a technique, and the term for it is “tapering”. I made sure that he was actively involved in the planning; In addition to the gradual reduction, I began adding electrolytes, vitamins and minerals, and supplements to his daily beer. I tracked his progress, monitored that he had written down the numbers, and held him accountable, and made sure that he was eating. My plan at the time was to deal with the physical addiction first and foremost, and then address the psychological addiction after the physical symptoms were under control.
Replacement does work, and this is where nlp and hypnosis come in; as the physical addiction slowly withdrew its claws from him, I began to bring in these modalities. It was very difficult going; Reanu isn’t someone who considers himself ‘visual’, and he had never successfully meditated. Alcohol was what provided the soothing numbness that allowed him to sleep, and to relax. He had always been plagued with racing thoughts, and had always used alcohol as the go-to that allowed him to function. It was a process of trial-and-error as we searched for workable solutions to replace the things that had served him for his entire life. Because of my work as a hypnotist and holistic healer, I have experience with numerous different techniques for body, mind and spirit and so I have been trying different somatic techniques and working in neurolinguistic programming here and there. Hypnosis is another animal altogether; so far, he’s been very resistant to it, and I haven’t pushed him. It’s a constant balancing act, trying to figure out what works. He hates being controlled, and this eventually kicks in no matter what techniques have been working up to a point. There have been many, many relapses…..but each and every time, he gets back onto the horse and continues moving forward.
It is said that only about ten per cent of the people suffering from addiction actually get help; this from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, 2019. What an abysmally low number, especially when taken in context to the sheer volume of people who are suffering. From my perspective, knowing Reanu’s story; in his case, it certainly wasn’t due to lack of access to help….it was that the available help wasn’t effective for him. I liken it to the old school methods of teaching, which are great for students who are high on the linguistic and mathematical/logical intelligence scale but woefully inadequate for those who are more naturalistic, or kinesthetic. One-size definitely does NOT fit all.
One thing that I know for sure; we talk about it. Every day, we talk and talk and talk. When he cheats….he tells me, and the shame that he deals with is his own without a reflection from me. Lord knows, his internal critic is loud enough; the last thing he needs is to hear mine speaking. It has been an enormous lesson in patience for me, and as patience was never my strong suit, I appreciate the discipline that continues to grow every day. This was never meant to be a sprint; it was always going to be a marathon, after all.
And so, for those of you who are fighting the same battle; I salute you. Know that you are not alone. Know that there is help out there, perhaps in places that you least expected it. Keep fighting; don’t ever give up. And let go of the blame and shame, and the stigma. Healing can not happen easily from inside a dark room; just like a wound, it must be exposed to sunlight and fresh air, and allowed it’s process, however ugly that might look.